♥
Friday, December 28, 2007
i realised so much has changed.
for good or for worse, i don't really know.
but i believe it's inherently for the better.
relationships are really transient.
even friendships that don't last do teach you something.
regrets do happen in life.
but if something or someone makes you deeply unhappy,
i think it's better to let go.
nevertheless you do think back and miss the good times,
but friends who don't do any good for each other, are better let go of.
it's moments like this when you suddenly pop out in my head.
i wonder how you're doing, since we're not speaking much.
since we'd never be close friends again.
the few you(s).
that i've lost and do wonder about at times.
i hope you're doing well.
sometimes i wonder about how ironic it is.
that we got so close;
only to get this far apart.
i still wish that these people do find fulfilment and happiness in their lives;
even though we're no longer on good terms.
lies and deceit, we can all live without.
letting go, it's part of growing up.
time helps the nagging uncomfortable feeling ebb away.
like waves on the sand; they crash but they'd recede eventually.
maybe tomorrow.
alicia.
♥
Sunday, November 11, 2007
This year, my birthday was simpler, but very very good. (:Thank you to all the dear ppl who rmbered:
(belated ones were appreciated as well)
my babes who made it oh-so-special
the b01s and b02s
my family & god family & ugine
amy
glenn
min
bel
pearlynn
z
mat
chah
sya
tina
pam
ms toh
jimmy
joanny
xuans
and the list goes on.
(sorry i can't rmb everyone offhand)
I had a shortened day in sch, cancelled lesson, how lucky!
Then followed by a surprise flow of events and gifts of love.
I really enjoyed myself and I'm very thankful for having my babes do so much for me. (:
It really really made my birthday ultra-special and memorable.
I can't rmb enjoying a birthday tt much before. (:
I had dinner with my family at swensens.
It wasn't a super big celebration, but I enjoyed the evening very much.
Simple = good.
And I really do love all my presents tt i got on or before the day itself.
19letters strawberryshortcakeballoons swensenscake riverislandwallet + babes = love!
bluedaybook&frog + birthday song = ((:
aliciahpstrap = sweetness
On a side note, I do believe I'm changing and growing every day.
I try my best, and I will continue to do that.
Things have been more better/stable of late.
Settled into this comfortable happy state.
I do get bouts of anxiety but they do pass.
Am I becoming addicted?
What a scary thought.
The safety net that should never break; or I'd fall.
I ought to be stronger. I'm still working on that.
More or less, I've thought things through about uni.
Though I do think I will be panicking again sometime in the next few months.
I'm trying not to focus so much on the future, but more on now.
I need to do well now.
I'm still slacking around most of the time.
And that is hugely scary cos I see people doing work, and you're like looking back at yourself and you're not doing jack shit, and you're like "WHAT AM I NOT DOING TT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?!"
I had a great belated bday celebration w chah my husband ytd.
She got me the cutest notebook of the things we both adore (:
And she wrapped it herself. HAHA (:
We had a great lunch at the swiss german sausage place, I swear I'm addicted to the rosti.
It was fantastic. Laughing and just talking about everything and anything.
It feels so good t be by her side.
Like she protects me, so tt all bad/scary/unhardworking thoughts go away.
And she really made me feel so much better abt everything.
I can't express in words enough how good she is to me and for me. (:
I miss chah alr.
Like she said, we don't meet very often, prolly once in a couple of months.
But when we do meet, it's always fantastic as usual and the conversation is great, the time spent tgt is great, to the point tt I didnt really want to leave.
And I was truly happy, cos usually we only manage a couple hours tgt, but this time it was like from 12plus(i think) to 8pm.
REALLY REALLY HAPPY.
Inbetween, I met Mat for an hour, whilst she continued shopping.
(:
Then it was the twinys along w Jon.
Had dinner at tp followed by mini mahjong till 2am.
Cabbed hm. Bathed, lay in bed for a while, slept.
Woke up, had bfast courtesy of ahma, then did sm housework, bathed, here I am.
Supposedly doing work, which I will do, aft finishing up this post.
And getting songs. (:
Happy!
huishan: i knw babe, i knw (: all my love.
bel: last sem jitters, great term for how it is (: love you dear.
bff: (: i know we will. you've got reply! hahaha (:
more there
alicia.
♥
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Scary thoughts.
More than a year ago, but the same old feelings.
I wish I'd grown more throughout this yr, become stronger.
I hope I have;
The tenacity to get through everything.
Somehow I still need reassurance and hugs and comfort.
It doesn't help that so many people are gone.
I don't want to be a bother; and I don't want to make it so tt I always hv t hv attention.
That's not what I'm about.
I just wish that I knew what I was doing with my life.
That bit of reassurance I wish I could give myself.
Life goals and all that.
It's scary to think of having to choose your path in life so early on.
How do you even know what you want?
I don't know and I will never know until I get there.
I wish I was more secure and more confident, both internally and as a friend/family/lover.
Right now, I don't know anymore about everything.
I wish I was strong enough to believe that things are still good.
Maybe they are, but my insecurities are taking over once again.
I hate it when I'm like this.
and I wish I wasn't like this.
I want to be stronger, to be more secure.
I don't want my happiness to depend on other people.
I want to be happy on my own.
Is that truly so difficult?
One more semester.
Then where do i go?
How do i even know what's right?
Vicious cycles.
alicia.
♥
Monday, October 22, 2007
(: been very happy the past few weeks.i feel uberly loved! (: esp today.thank you my loves, for making every day at school so enjoyable.i'm really so deliriously happy with the way we are now (:
all the happy car rides, laughing and talking,and yy i can do w less smacking thank you.all our long long talks (:planning to go out, writing on each other's notes.
t you, thanks for making me smile (:
i'm a happy girl!
loveBELloveQI*sorry for my short replies dears!thank you for being here with me.
alicia.
♥
Friday, October 05, 2007
Originally wanted to use Rihanna's Question Existing
as my new blog song cos I found the lyrics really close to heart.
Alas, it has not been approved for streaming meaning no blog music codes
and I can't seem to upload my own copy onto my site so I can use it here,
so no go.
Here are the lyrics, and on a sidenote, her Rehab is very good too.
Much better than the other one. (:
Take off my shirt.
Loosen the buttons and undo my skirt
Stare at myself in the mirror
Take me apart piece by piece
Sorrow decrease
Pressure release, I put in work
Did more than called upon, more than deserved
When it was over, did I wind up hurt
(Yes)But it taught me before a decision ask this question first
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit, can I endure some more?
Chances are given, question existing
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit, can I endure some more?
Chances are given, question existing
Take off my cool, show them that
Under here, I'm just like you
Do the mistakes, I may make me a fool
Or a human with flaws, and if that I'm lost
Round of applause, take the abuse
Sometimes it feels like they want me to lose
It's entertainment is that an excuse?
(No)But the question that lingers whether win or lose
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit, can I endure some more?
Chances are given, question existing
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit, can I endure some more?
Chances are given, question existing
Dear Diary,
And to all them
Entertaining is something I do for a living
It's not who I am, I'd like to think that I'm pretty normal,
I laugh, I get mad, I hurt, I think I suck sometimes,
But when you're in the spotlight,
Everything seems good,
Sometimes I feel like I have it worse cause I have to always keep my guard up,
I don't know who to trust, I don't know who wants to date me for who I am,
Or who wants to be my friend for who I really am.
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit, can I endure some more?
Chances are given, question existing
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit, can I endure some more?
Chances are given, question existing
alicia.
♥
I feel so relieved and so happy now it's liberating.
It's like nothing can make me lose my happy spirits, even having to wake up so early in the morning which I always contested was an inhumane hour to be awake.
I had a really good wednesday out with bel,and I really enjoy just spending time together, our 2 consecutive weds
really gave us time to catch up and have fun together.I really truly realised that it's so easy and happy to be with my other friends.Content just to spend time together, talk about things, shop, eat, laugh.BEL; YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! (:More pics to come up soon! (:and I'm glad I didn't listen t the bad salesgirl.THE CONCEALER ROCKS and it's just the right shade! HAH.feel like going back just to show her!And what at we have, is just so great that what I have on the other side just seems so wrong in comparison. ):
I had a great thursday with qi too!
I think it's the first time we've ever gone out one on one,
and we had such a great time, yakking nonstop, grabbing things to try,just had a very easy going thing, to ending up on a bench and talking for hours on end.Until we both didn't look at the time and it flew and it was like 8+ alr!
HAHA, and to laughing so loud about stuff that people started looking at us curiously.Well that didn't do much for exercising while shopping but I really felt so much better after talking about everything (:She told me some things that I was shocked to realise.
Was it really that apparent that other people knew about it too?
I wonder.
And on a heavier note, after I made my decision,
I really feel more relieved and happier.
But at the same time I feel bad towards the others,
that all this is happening but it's not their fault and they're not involved in the whole thing.
I don't know how to explain things properly without making it worse.
And to be honest, deep down I think we'd all be happier if I'm gone.
So, I really don't see a point in trying to 'make it work'.
We've had that, we've tried to make things work, but they can't.
I know we've had our good times, but right now they just seem so distant I can't recall them.
I know that we still think of each other's wellbeing, but maybe it's better if we're not together anymore.
I don't hold any grudges, I'm leaving because I think it's my last resort at trying to salvage any good feelings we still have left.
It's difficult to make people understand that you don't have negative feelings.
And it's even harder to get their understanding and be on the same level about the matter.
I don't know what's going to happen from here on,
but I just hope that we can still be friends in a way,
cos once we were so close, and I'd hate for us to become total strangers to each other.
It'd probably take a lot of time for things to be okay, but I'm hoping there won't be any bitching and eye-rolling. I think we're all old enough to be mature about things.
Sometimes good things just come to an end, and it's better to walk out of a bad friendship and start afresh after giving each other space and time.
I didn't make this decision so easily. I've been thinking about it so much for the past 2 months plus, being so upset of how school is going to be when it starts again, then I really gave it a lot of thought and felt that it's best to leave by myself.
I don't want to do that 'pull people on your side' thing and make people choose, because I know my friends don't do that, it's not in them, and since I really treat them as friends, I won't enforce such decisions on them.
I'm just hoping that we can still be normal friends after we've let all the bad emotions go away.
But even if it comes to the point that you guys won't look at me anymore, it's ok, you have a choice in everything because it's your own decision to make and who am I to say that you have to be like this or that?
You can choose to hate me if you want, you can choose to accept it, it's up to you.
If you guys want an explaination, I will do my best to explain everything.
I just want to let you guys know it's not an easy decision to make, I cried a lot while thinking of everything. We all know it's difficult to let go of friendships and there will be a million bits of unwillingness and sadness when anyone chooses to do that.
But I'm looking at it as taking a step back, and leaving so that we can still be okay in future.
You may not agree with me and what I'm doing, but I've made my decision and I'm sticking with it. Trying isn't an option anymore; because we've all tried and I can see the strain on everyone.
I'd just do my best at trying to maintain the balance, and remember the good things we once had. Even if it's going to be difficult, I'll survive. I will.
Don't worry about me, if you're thinking about what I'm going to do from now on.
I can take care of myself.
I hope that you'all will remain happy.
I don't think I'm that significant in the first place; and it's a sad thing to know.
It's okay, just lead your lives well.
I'll always just want for you guys to be happy, whether anyone believes it or not.
alicia.
♥
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Been watching loads of movies, so it's time for reviews! (:
HITS1. The Invisible - Not your typical ghost flick, but oddly moving and captivating. The way he is so repressed, the relationship between him and the other characters, the way they are all inter-connected. Great flow of scenes, the story of a kid that nobody really sees because he's floating between life and death. Of guilt, of having consciences, of different stories pieced together. To the point that my mother actually sat down and started oohing and aahing at the movie! Usually she just ignores the stuff I'm watching cos she's usually not interested in them. She's the kind who falls asleep in all movies, the only exception was 881. But, the only downfall is the part of the female lead and the male lead's mom outside his room in the hospital and it was lame. Everything else in the movie was great. From the opening song of Snow Patrol's Open Your Eyes "All this feels strange and untrue; And I won't waste a minute without you. My bones ache, my skin feels cold; And I'm getting so tired and so old" over rushing greens. I'm so in love with that song right now. This show is recommended for people who enjoy raw emotions and human relations in a movie compared to action flicks which always puts me to sleep.
2. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry - I thought it'd be a comedy flick, but the message that came through was the sacrifices that family and friends make for each other, the extent of which they try to be there and support each other's decisions. Mainly touching, and partly funny, the mixture of the sauve Adam Sandler "Why does everyone think I'm the chick?" and Jessica Biel's loneliness showing in her eyes. I'm not a fan of Biel, but I'm a fan of Sandler. Mixture of funny with sad makes it all the more real; like in our lives, it's never fully funny there's always sadness but it just shows that you got to pick yourself up and move through adversities in this movie. I would say the potrayal of biasness and religious views on gay-ism and how two straight guys actually stood up for gay people shows. I especially loved the private party scene, with Larry as an APPLE and Chuck the charismatic vampire but all the other people in catsuits and tights and wings! (: I won't reveal much about the show, just that it's really not bad and if you happen to have the extra cash you should watch this! Another one of those feel good movies (:
MISSES1. Bloodhunter something - This movie really did not come through for Lucy Liu. Don't torture yourself like I did.
2. The Bourne Ultimatum - Something about all the movies aren't quite right. We all lose track and drift off into lala land by the 2nd half. Expected too much of it I guess.
3. There are a lot of bad movies out there, and this is why I can't remember the titles at all.
RECOMMENDED1. Little Miss Sunshine - I love the way the family members are so diverse and all the different characters and how real it is with all the argueing like real people do where all the vulgarities come out. It shows how a family stands together and it's really funny too. (:
2. Transformers - I was captivated even though I don't like anything to do with aliens, robots or action flicks (: It's a really entertaining and the movie flows very well which is something not many directors bother with nowadays.
3. Disturbia - Classic teenage movie you'd think, but moved 3 levels up! (: I especially loved the scene where he blasted Minnie Ripperton's Loving You into his hot neighbour's party and ruined the mood. Piece of work that has laughter at the start, fear at the climax and relief at the ending because nobody 'nice' died (:
4. Blood and Chocolate - For the wolf movie lover. (:
5. Sunshine - EVERYTHING ABOUT IT WAS FANTASTIC. HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS, JOURNEY INTO THE SUN, SACRIFICE, EXCITEMENT, IT'S GOT IT ALL. WATCH!!!
alicia.
♥
we got stuck in the lift.
it was damn scary.
i got super claustrophobic.
i swear i'm walking down later.
i'm leaving.
i don't think it's the best solution,
but i think i deserve to be happier than stuck in the same situation all the time.
if i should have to walk this path alone,
i'd do it with pride and strength.
i'm not letting you walk all over me again.
trip all over myself trying to keep you happy.
what for?
at what point in our friendship did you truly appreciate my efforts?
why should i be so hung up over you;
when you don't even care about how i feel?
(:
i think i've grown from being the insecure little twat
trying to please everyone around me;
to being someone who's comfortable in her own skin.
i am who i am.
and nothing you do can take that away from me.
qi: YAY! SOOOON it's arriving (:
LOVE, thanks for asking after me all the time
i really appreciate it. (:
alicia.
♥
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
i miss a lot of things.but you can't have everything you want.retail therapy is so important in keeping a girl OCCUPIEDand keeping a girl VERY HAPPY (:
alicia.
